Bear Sayings

Bears are interesting creatures. If you ever have the chance to get up close (I strongly suggest a large fence is involved in the procedure) then look into their eyes you will see something far more than a big dumb lump of fur!

Just to prove the point, bears can be pretty philosphical. And here they are doing just that:

• When walking through a heavily thistled area, remember to hold your tummy in.
• Bears do not mature, they just get old enough to have opinions.
• If in doubt, sit down and grumble. It looks better if you keep your front legs folded.
• A bear who sits and contemplates his dinner will soon find it stolen.
• Being happy is normally the result of not having looked round the corner first.
• Bears need fleas. They give them something to take vengence upon on long nights.
• Being a bear is not more special than being anything else. It is somewhat furrier though.
• Fish tastes very much the same whichever end of the beast you start from.
• You really must ask yourself whether eating honey is worth the paw-ache of getting your fur all stuck up.
• It doesn’t mattter how dry the cave is to start with, it always seems damp when you wake.
• I don’t kill for pleasure; I kill for food. Except I find food a pleasure. There are some problems destined to cause a bear indigestion.
• A berry bush with thorns is just mean spirited.
• It is easy to assume that a bear’s life is the very definition of liberation. Assumptions are easy when you have not got caught in a freezing rainstorm.
• Hungry bears don’t make plans. They make for fast food outlets.
• How fast can a bear climb a tree? Slower than they can fall out of one.
• However interesting the life cycle of the salmon may be, don’t forget that they are also good eating.
• If you are worrying about where the next meal is coming from, you are not spending enough time hunting.
• If in doubt – fish.
• The best way to get dinner out of a bear is with a crowbar.
• Bears are not for Christmas. Mostly because they are asleep and therefore boring.
• However you drop a bear, it will always land on its behind. Mind you, bear dropping is seriously unrecommended!
• You are never lonely when you have fleas.
• The idea of a salmon farm would make even a grown bear faint. Though not for long.
• Don’t mistake fluffy and cuddly with hungry and dangerous – however similar they may seem.
• Before you chop down a tree, try sitting under it for a while. Trees are good for sitting under.
• Don’t sit under a tree that someone else is chopping down.
• Cubs climb trees. Large old bears watch cubs climb trees. This should not be reversed.
• Before you count your pennies, make sure you actually have pockets.
• The scientist that relies on statistics to predict probability is a slave to inaccuracy. Well, bears don’t always think about fish!
• Flying is not about volume but density. Bears don’t fly – nothing personal.
• Bears don’t get god. She seems an unnecessary complication.
• Armpits are important to bears. They stop their arms falling off. What, you should clean them too?
• Bears are naturally loners for one good reason: greed.
• If bears didn’t hibernate they would live twice as long as they think they do.
• Bears should only be allowed to swim in the summer, so they can be hung out to dry and freshen up after. And you thought wet dog was bad!
• Bears’ claws don’t retract, so they should stick to a tree when you throw them at it. Okay, who’s stupid idea was this one?
• Just because something is possible doesn’t mean you should try it. Bears tend to bite people who throw them at trees.
• You might think it is a nice walk in the woods. A bear thinks it is a delivery service. It is all a matter of perspective.
• Strange thing about bears. It doesn’t matter how far away they are, when they stand up and look at you, it suddenly isn’t far enough.
• Courtesy is a step ladder left next to a commercial waste bin.
• If you think bears are incapable of grinning, look at their faces when they realise your gun has just jammed.